Starting Weight: 265.6
Current Weight: 185.6
I did the unthinkable just now. I posted a gain. I weighed in yesterday and I am up 1 lb from my last recorded weigh-in. This is the first time that's happened since D-day - June 21. I know why it happened, which is better than unexplained weight gain, but it still isn't a happy feeling.
We went on a mini-vacation to the white mountains last week. What was supposed to be a high activity, maintain my weight kind of weekend turned into a barely any exercise, eat way too much, gain, kind of weekend.
I'm having trouble putting my thoughts into words. I came home last night from my book club meeting and just said to my husband "I need a break". I meant that I need a break from worrying about losing weight. That was the feeling that I had going in to vacation. I just felt tired of the mental part of weight loss. I just wanted to not think about it for a while. And so while we were away we ate things like Indian food and chocolate cake and pizza. I did make some semi-healthy choices and never went for any of the foods that I consider to be crossing the line. The trouble is, it wasn't a break. I still thought about it all the time. I didn't really enjoy most of what I ate and just felt like it wasn't worth it. I came back and the scale reported 3 or so pounds up - I know that was alot of sodium nonsense and I watched it go down a little each day until today where I had to own up to a genuine gain of 1 lb.
All week long I've been walking on the fence of going all out to lose weight, and eating things that are not helpful. Not enjoying the fruit of healthy eating, and equally not enjoying any real indulgences. I don't like this middle ground. I've always been an "all or nothing" person, and that has changed deeply - which is good, but I'm here feeling pretty annoyed with myself and not sure what to do about it.
I know I don't want to sit here in August and report that I am not at my goal weight or darn close to it. That kind of regret is more painful than this. I'm also looking to alot of funcitonal idols - I want a new coffee table, a puppy, a pedicure... all these things to fill the space that I would have previously filled with ice cream. The trouble is that space belongs to God, His blessings and walking in the good works he has planned for me - my family, a healthy lifestyle, etc.
Aha. No where to run.
Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,"
even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
That is part of Psalm 139 - which is not about weight loss, obviously. But it is about me and about Him. The truth is, because I'm not distracted by good things in the weight loss department I'm left feeling the void. That void is a GOOD thing. The void brings me to the cross where it can be filled in the right way by the right thing. And the other things will be put in their place.
So this is a good thing. This is a get my priorities straightened out thing.