Last night we brought dinner to a friends' new home. We decided on Indian because we all love it and none of us wanted to cook. I had a relatively small portion of a few different things and stopped before I was stuffed. Today my Dad came for his Christmas visit and brought a platter of cookies. There were three kinds and I decided to taste each one and see if they were worth it - two were so I ate one each.
The boys are outside sledding and my house is quiet so I'm sitting here by the fire reflecting on my recent food choices and my whole weight loss "journey" so far. There are a few things contributing to my contemplative mood - we are approaching the New Year and that's always a good time to look forward and back. In addition to that a friend has asked me for weight loss advice. I really want to do a good job encouraging her and not just tell her what worked for me in a practical sense but find a way to put in to words the motivational causes that have made this time different. I'm also a little vexed by something annoying my father said... he has only seen me once since I started losing weight and it was at about the 45 lb mark. I'm now approaching 70 lbs lost. He said he knew I had been doing really well but wasn't sure if it would continue and now he's glad to see it has. He's genuinely happy for me and it's not the worst thing he could have said. It's also a fair assessment since I've made failed attempts in the past. So I don't blame him for the thought, but it probably would have been better left unsaid.
For these last six months one of my prevalent thoughts has been "every bite counts". What that means to me is that I try to make my food decisions conciously and I don't allow myself to think that this or that little indulgence doesn't make a difference. This is important for me because I can clearly recall times in the past where I shipwrecked my own efforts by denying the fact that, for me, one meal or one piece of cake or pint of ice cream usually leads to another. If one cookie was only one cookie, in the economy of my life, I would never have become obese in the first place. I've learned that every bite either helps or hinders my efforts. I'm not saying that if I eat one cookie I won't lose weight that week. I just mean that there are no neutral choices at this point because with every cookie I have to decide if there will be another and how I decide will make all the difference.
I made a decision at the begining of the Christmas season to allow myself to enjoy a few things here and there and not have to worry so much about keeping my kitchen stocked. Knowing that by doing so I may push back my ultimate goal by a week or two. I am not willfully allowing my self to gain - but I know that I may not lose the 2 lbs. I normally expect. The payoff is that I get to relax and enjoy my new habits - not throw them out the window. I'm getting a glimpse of what life is like on the other side where I can eat more freely but within reason. And Indian food for dinner on Tuesday does not mean I get to put my blinders on and go for broke until Jan 1. In this new life it just simply means Indian food for dinner on Tuesday. Today I woke up, had oatmeal and a banana, went to the gym, had Tuna with canola mayo on a sandwich thin for lunch, drank my water, etc. and my healthly life continues uninterrrupted.
I realize it's only been six months since I started this and I don't want to be over confident. I know that I'm on shaky ground and without my husband to hold me accountable I could easily lose my footing. I also realize that today's two cookies should make me wonder if I'm really just making excuses with all this talk about giving myself a break this week. Writing this has helped me process those two cookies - so if you've read this far thank you for tolerating me :) I am trying to figure out if I'm messing things up this week and just fooling myself.
I'm pretty confident that those two cookies are just two cookies and things really are different this time I feel pretty good about that. I know that I have hard work ahead of me. I still have 30 - 60 lbs to lose. I really want to get there sooner than later. I know it's not about arriving at a particular number on the scale and I will be actively maintaining for the rest of my life - but I am so ready for that. In some ways I feel like I'm sprinting for the finish line but 2 lbs a week is still "slow and steady".
Anyway - it's getting dark here in the Northeast. Time to figure out dinner. Thanks for listening :)
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Weekly Update - Week 28
(end of week 27/beginning week 28)
On the Scale
Lost this week: 0
Starting Weight: 265.6
New Weight: 197
Total loss: 68.6
I'm feeling pretty good about that zero. I know what I've eaten for the past 27 weeks where every week I have lost something and I know that I didn't do the same thing this past weekend. I'm a logical girl and the zero makes perfect sense. I wanted to be under 200 for Christmas, and I am. This weekend for Christmas I decided to eat like I was maintaining - to induldge in a few things but not slip into a zone of eating whatever I want and ignore the impact it will have on my health and fitness - which is what I've always done in the past.
When I am living in maintenence world I should still weigh my options and only eat things are good for me in some way. It was good for me to eat some chocolate on Christmas morning. It was good for me to eat some desserts. Doing those things on Christmas will pay off later - I won't look back and feel deprived. I'm doing something sustainable not just for losing but for maintaining this healthy lifestyle that I've worked hard to build. I decided it wouldn't be good for me to eat chips and dip because that is something specific I can point to in the past that has been a problem for me. There are few regrets, things that didn't make a difference one way or another on the scale, but that were tiny mental failures for me. I think I've learned to learn from those.
I'm still going to wait to start measuring and counting calories until New Years Day - this is kind of an experiment - I want to see how I do "naturally". I'm going to eat my normal, healthy foods, with the health and portion savvy I've built over the past six months. I'm going to pay attention to every bite but I am going to enjoy the break from counting and recording.
Tuesday, January 4th it will be exactly 16 weeks until my birthday. January through April is the home stretch to 100 lbs. I enjoyed my "goal" of getting under 200 by Christmas. I view this birthday goal as a similar challenge. My final goal weight is still a mystery to me but it helps me to have mini goals attached to dates. For years at the New Year I would look at my weight and calculate how many pounds I could lose by my birthday. When I failed I would recalculate to summer, then Christmas and I never followed through. This year I AM doing it and these little goals are undoing some of the emotional damage I've done to myself by allowing all that past failure.
This year time instead of making excuses I'm setting and reaching goals.
On the Scale
Lost this week: 0
Starting Weight: 265.6
New Weight: 197
Total loss: 68.6
I'm feeling pretty good about that zero. I know what I've eaten for the past 27 weeks where every week I have lost something and I know that I didn't do the same thing this past weekend. I'm a logical girl and the zero makes perfect sense. I wanted to be under 200 for Christmas, and I am. This weekend for Christmas I decided to eat like I was maintaining - to induldge in a few things but not slip into a zone of eating whatever I want and ignore the impact it will have on my health and fitness - which is what I've always done in the past.
When I am living in maintenence world I should still weigh my options and only eat things are good for me in some way. It was good for me to eat some chocolate on Christmas morning. It was good for me to eat some desserts. Doing those things on Christmas will pay off later - I won't look back and feel deprived. I'm doing something sustainable not just for losing but for maintaining this healthy lifestyle that I've worked hard to build. I decided it wouldn't be good for me to eat chips and dip because that is something specific I can point to in the past that has been a problem for me. There are few regrets, things that didn't make a difference one way or another on the scale, but that were tiny mental failures for me. I think I've learned to learn from those.
I'm still going to wait to start measuring and counting calories until New Years Day - this is kind of an experiment - I want to see how I do "naturally". I'm going to eat my normal, healthy foods, with the health and portion savvy I've built over the past six months. I'm going to pay attention to every bite but I am going to enjoy the break from counting and recording.
Tuesday, January 4th it will be exactly 16 weeks until my birthday. January through April is the home stretch to 100 lbs. I enjoyed my "goal" of getting under 200 by Christmas. I view this birthday goal as a similar challenge. My final goal weight is still a mystery to me but it helps me to have mini goals attached to dates. For years at the New Year I would look at my weight and calculate how many pounds I could lose by my birthday. When I failed I would recalculate to summer, then Christmas and I never followed through. This year I AM doing it and these little goals are undoing some of the emotional damage I've done to myself by allowing all that past failure.
This year time instead of making excuses I'm setting and reaching goals.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Weekly Update - Week 27
(end of week 26/beginning week 27)
On the Scale
Lost this week: 4
Starting Weight: 265.6
New Weight: 197
Total loss: 68.6
Before I jump for joy too much - we got a new scale and it's slightly lower than my old one. So I probably only lost 3 this week - I get a 1 lb advantage :) Ok, now I can jump for joy! I am now officially under 200! Even at night. That is all I wanted for Christmas :)
In my Kitchen
I'm doing well with meals but I'm running low on snack ideas. My snacks are usually either plain greek yogurt with honey, baby carrots with laughing cow or hummus, grapes or apple with reduced fat cheddar. They all sound good to me right now but they're a little boring. I've stopped putting granola in my yogurt because it was pushing the calories too much.
At the Gym
C25K week 8 starts today. 28 minutes seems too long :( I am working pretty hard to finish 25. I'm still super slow but I have gone up from under 4 mph to 4.2 and 4.5 so that's some good progress. Now that I'm over 4 I won't go back down. But I probably won't go faster until I'm done with week 9 - then I'll work on my time. Hubby was sick last week so I was working out alone - it was too easy to just go home after cardio. Tonight should be a good workout.
Goals and Challenges
The biggest challenge this week will be Christmas. We're having dinner here and that should be easy to handle - I'll probably make a filet roast with veggies. That night we're going to my inlaws and I'm bringing salad with some grilled chicken. It's usually a pot-luck type meal with sandwiches, etc. So what I'm bringing will be just perfect - for me anyway ;) For indulgences - I know my husband is going to put some really good chocolate in my stocking - but just a little bit. I'm also going to eat small amounts of a few treats. This will be a little more of a temptation than Thanksgiving was. But I'm ok. I'm not worried about going overboard. And I'm not worried one day affecting my progress.
I just hit a big goal that I care about quite a bit. The next one is the 100 lbs mark. That will not happen until Spring so I need to do some reflecting to come up with mini-goals to get me there.
When I started this in June I had no way of knowing how good this would feel. Too anyone on the fence, wanting to lose weight but not truly committed.... it's worth it :)
On the Scale
Lost this week: 4
Starting Weight: 265.6
New Weight: 197
Total loss: 68.6
Before I jump for joy too much - we got a new scale and it's slightly lower than my old one. So I probably only lost 3 this week - I get a 1 lb advantage :) Ok, now I can jump for joy! I am now officially under 200! Even at night. That is all I wanted for Christmas :)
In my Kitchen
I'm doing well with meals but I'm running low on snack ideas. My snacks are usually either plain greek yogurt with honey, baby carrots with laughing cow or hummus, grapes or apple with reduced fat cheddar. They all sound good to me right now but they're a little boring. I've stopped putting granola in my yogurt because it was pushing the calories too much.
At the Gym
C25K week 8 starts today. 28 minutes seems too long :( I am working pretty hard to finish 25. I'm still super slow but I have gone up from under 4 mph to 4.2 and 4.5 so that's some good progress. Now that I'm over 4 I won't go back down. But I probably won't go faster until I'm done with week 9 - then I'll work on my time. Hubby was sick last week so I was working out alone - it was too easy to just go home after cardio. Tonight should be a good workout.
Goals and Challenges
The biggest challenge this week will be Christmas. We're having dinner here and that should be easy to handle - I'll probably make a filet roast with veggies. That night we're going to my inlaws and I'm bringing salad with some grilled chicken. It's usually a pot-luck type meal with sandwiches, etc. So what I'm bringing will be just perfect - for me anyway ;) For indulgences - I know my husband is going to put some really good chocolate in my stocking - but just a little bit. I'm also going to eat small amounts of a few treats. This will be a little more of a temptation than Thanksgiving was. But I'm ok. I'm not worried about going overboard. And I'm not worried one day affecting my progress.
I just hit a big goal that I care about quite a bit. The next one is the 100 lbs mark. That will not happen until Spring so I need to do some reflecting to come up with mini-goals to get me there.
When I started this in June I had no way of knowing how good this would feel. Too anyone on the fence, wanting to lose weight but not truly committed.... it's worth it :)
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Onederland 199.8
It doesn't seem real does it ? I don't even remember the last time I was under 200. It must have been before I got pregnant with my first son almost 10 years ago. I think I was 186 when I got married. In high school I was curvy but not "fat" and I started to put the weight on after I graduated. At one point I lost 50lbs or so, but I don't remember what my weight was.
Today feels like the first day of the rest of my life. I got up and went to the gym where I ran 2 miles. I ate a healthy breakfast, and did I mention I weighed in under 200 lbs?
I am nowhere near my goal weight but I feel amazing. So many times I started down this road only to stop and later look back and say "if only I had kept going, I'd be at my goal by now". This time I'm looking forward and I'm really doing it
Today feels like the first day of the rest of my life. I got up and went to the gym where I ran 2 miles. I ate a healthy breakfast, and did I mention I weighed in under 200 lbs?
I am nowhere near my goal weight but I feel amazing. So many times I started down this road only to stop and later look back and say "if only I had kept going, I'd be at my goal by now". This time I'm looking forward and I'm really doing it
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
No Looking Back
Last night I walked out of my favorite plus size clothing store for the last time. I had to return a pair of pants that were cut strange and didn't fit. They let us in 5 minutes before closing but I couldn't find anything to exchange the pants for so I just took cash.
The truth is, I don't need to shop there anymore. I can shop at "regular" stores that I love. This is actually hard to adjust to. For so long my choices have been limited and my thinking hasn't caught up to the changes in my body. When I need to buy clothes I still think only of those few stores. I do this with other things too - the other night at book club I instinctively ignored a seat on the couch because I didn't think I could fit. I fit just fine - with room to spare - I could even cross my legs! I wonder when this will change.
So back to the store. They had to unlock the door to let us out - it felt so ceremonial. I looked at my husband and said "that's the last time I'm walking out of that store". It felt great. No looking back.
The truth is, I don't need to shop there anymore. I can shop at "regular" stores that I love. This is actually hard to adjust to. For so long my choices have been limited and my thinking hasn't caught up to the changes in my body. When I need to buy clothes I still think only of those few stores. I do this with other things too - the other night at book club I instinctively ignored a seat on the couch because I didn't think I could fit. I fit just fine - with room to spare - I could even cross my legs! I wonder when this will change.
So back to the store. They had to unlock the door to let us out - it felt so ceremonial. I looked at my husband and said "that's the last time I'm walking out of that store". It felt great. No looking back.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Weekly Update - Week 26
Weekly Update - Week 26
(end of week 25/beginning week 26)
On the Scale
Lost this week: 2.2
Starting Weight: 265.6
New Weight: 201
Total loss: 64.6
Yay for 2.2 even with my more casual calorie counting. I really think I eat a little bit less when I'm not meticulously counting. If I'm not exactly sure how many calories I've eaten I tend to err on the side of caution - I think. The scale has been toying with me the past few days - yesterday I was a little lower and I thought perhaps I'd get under 200 today but alas, I will have to wait. That's ok. I actually think it's fun that I' will make that goal so close to Christmas. And either way it looks like I'll enter 2011 weighing in somewhere in the 100s!
In my Kitchen
My new favorite quick and easy meal is a Jennie-O turkey burger grilled, with a slice of Reduced Fat Pepperjack cheese on a whole grain sandwich thin with just a little bit of organic ketchup. It's so plain and simple but for some reason I could eat that every day.
At the Gym
Today is supposed to be C25K W7D1 but I have my monthly book club tonight so I don't know if I can squeeze it in. I did the 25 minute run on Saturday. I'm so glad I've been successful with this. It's something I never thought I'd be doing. I even increased my speed and incline on Saturday. I went to the gym yesterday afternoon because it was dark and rainy and the boys were all watching a movie. I knew I'd just fall asleep if I stayed home. I just did a quick 35 minutes of cardio but It felt great to just do it when I really felt like being lazy. Now if I could only do that in the morning I'd really be impressed. I changed my weight routine a little and I'm glad. I actually feel it in my triceps today and that hasn't happened in a while. All I did was switch from the basic tricep press I had been doing to the shoulder press that also works my triceps. Likewise I switched from the bicep curl to the pull-down that also works my back. Those little changes felt like just the thing to change things up.
Goals and Challenges
I'm so close to my next goal that I can see it from here. Hubby and I have been discussing rewards. We agree that losing the weight is enough of an incentive but it would be fun to have other rewards along the way. We also agree that they should be health/fitness/beauty related. I did have my nails done on Friday and that was a nice treat but for this upcoming milestone I'm not sure what I want to do. Any ideas?
(end of week 25/beginning week 26)
On the Scale
Lost this week: 2.2
Starting Weight: 265.6
New Weight: 201
Total loss: 64.6
Yay for 2.2 even with my more casual calorie counting. I really think I eat a little bit less when I'm not meticulously counting. If I'm not exactly sure how many calories I've eaten I tend to err on the side of caution - I think. The scale has been toying with me the past few days - yesterday I was a little lower and I thought perhaps I'd get under 200 today but alas, I will have to wait. That's ok. I actually think it's fun that I' will make that goal so close to Christmas. And either way it looks like I'll enter 2011 weighing in somewhere in the 100s!
In my Kitchen
My new favorite quick and easy meal is a Jennie-O turkey burger grilled, with a slice of Reduced Fat Pepperjack cheese on a whole grain sandwich thin with just a little bit of organic ketchup. It's so plain and simple but for some reason I could eat that every day.
At the Gym
Today is supposed to be C25K W7D1 but I have my monthly book club tonight so I don't know if I can squeeze it in. I did the 25 minute run on Saturday. I'm so glad I've been successful with this. It's something I never thought I'd be doing. I even increased my speed and incline on Saturday. I went to the gym yesterday afternoon because it was dark and rainy and the boys were all watching a movie. I knew I'd just fall asleep if I stayed home. I just did a quick 35 minutes of cardio but It felt great to just do it when I really felt like being lazy. Now if I could only do that in the morning I'd really be impressed. I changed my weight routine a little and I'm glad. I actually feel it in my triceps today and that hasn't happened in a while. All I did was switch from the basic tricep press I had been doing to the shoulder press that also works my triceps. Likewise I switched from the bicep curl to the pull-down that also works my back. Those little changes felt like just the thing to change things up.
Goals and Challenges
I'm so close to my next goal that I can see it from here. Hubby and I have been discussing rewards. We agree that losing the weight is enough of an incentive but it would be fun to have other rewards along the way. We also agree that they should be health/fitness/beauty related. I did have my nails done on Friday and that was a nice treat but for this upcoming milestone I'm not sure what I want to do. Any ideas?
Monday, December 6, 2010
Weekly Update - Week 25
Weekly Update - Week 25
(end of week 24/beginning week 25)
On the Scale
Lost this week: 1.4
Starting Weight: 265.6
New Weight: 203.2
Total loss: 62.4
I was hoping for 2 but I'll take 1.4
In my Kitchen
We've settled into a comfortable routine with eating. Things are going smoothly. I don't even feel bored any more. I do need to lay off the Luna bars. This has become my new Vitatop... quick and convienient but not the best choice.
At the Gym
Feeling good about my cardio - I'm doing C25K W6D1 tonight. I need to do more with my weight routine. I feel like I'm not progressing anymore with my upper body. I've been doing the same amount of weight, same reps, for a long time.
Goals and Challenges
I plan to keep going with C25K. I'm coming up on a huge milestone and I'm not sure how to celebrate. If nothing strange happens I should have no problem getting under 200 lbs by Christmas. I have alot of thoughts and emotions attached to that number. I should probably get those all sorted out before it happens so I don't have a meltdown :) I think it's starting to sink in that I'm really doing this. I still have 60ish lbs to lose but I just feel comfortable in my own skin. Someone posted recently about how our perception of our own weight is often so wrong. For years I had a sense of how I looked and how big I was. The wierd thing is that I have "felt" for years the way I now actually look. I know that sounds strange. I am no longer surprised, except maybe pleasantly, when I see a photo or catch my reflection in the mirror.
(end of week 24/beginning week 25)
On the Scale
Lost this week: 1.4
Starting Weight: 265.6
New Weight: 203.2
Total loss: 62.4
I was hoping for 2 but I'll take 1.4
In my Kitchen
We've settled into a comfortable routine with eating. Things are going smoothly. I don't even feel bored any more. I do need to lay off the Luna bars. This has become my new Vitatop... quick and convienient but not the best choice.
At the Gym
Feeling good about my cardio - I'm doing C25K W6D1 tonight. I need to do more with my weight routine. I feel like I'm not progressing anymore with my upper body. I've been doing the same amount of weight, same reps, for a long time.
Goals and Challenges
I plan to keep going with C25K. I'm coming up on a huge milestone and I'm not sure how to celebrate. If nothing strange happens I should have no problem getting under 200 lbs by Christmas. I have alot of thoughts and emotions attached to that number. I should probably get those all sorted out before it happens so I don't have a meltdown :) I think it's starting to sink in that I'm really doing this. I still have 60ish lbs to lose but I just feel comfortable in my own skin. Someone posted recently about how our perception of our own weight is often so wrong. For years I had a sense of how I looked and how big I was. The wierd thing is that I have "felt" for years the way I now actually look. I know that sounds strange. I am no longer surprised, except maybe pleasantly, when I see a photo or catch my reflection in the mirror.
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